The Herald Bulletin, Anderson, Indiana

Hey, everybody! Angelina Jolie had her babies! We can all exhale now and go about living our dreary lives. How sad for the rest of us, that we're not as fabulous as they. I feel unworthy, as if, were I merely to touch the hem of their garments, I would spontaneously combust.

Now I must rest, lest I swoon in despair.